Immediately!

"He's unattractive."

"How is he unattractive?"

"He tucks his t-shirts into his high-rise dad jeans."

Good career: check

Expensive mansion in Pittsford (rich neighborhood in Rochester): check

Responsible: check

No kids: check

Jewish: check (and approved by my parents)

However, he was the least appealing man to be around. Whiny voice, no sense of style or adventure. Not decisive. The man feared vegetables. (Not disliked. Feared). 

We had been seeing one another sporadically. Dinner here and there but thats pretty much it. 

It took him about 7 dinners to finally ask if he could "kiss" me. Actually, it was more like babbling on about expectations for 30 minutes to the point that I had no idea what he was talking about. Once that was deciphered he mustered up enough courage and nerdy awkward energy to give me, what I can only describe as, a chicken peck on the lips. 

Now, I actually happen to have been pecked by a chicken as a child, so I know exactly how that feels. (My grandfather later slaughtered that chicken to avenge me and we had a lovely lunch.) But I digress. 

I knew I had to break it off.  I was really hoping that we'd mutually come to that agreement/realization. We had nothing in common. He feared vegetables for goodness sake!

It was less than a week since I was laid off. I had lots going on but that didn't stop Mr. Wonderful from hounding me to spend some time with him. Many e-mails and phone calls later I had to finally tell him that I'd get in touch with him when I had time.

Apparently I didn't get in touch with him quick enough. After sending me more e-mails to pester me to see him, he left me the following voicemail: (Extra letters and Caps Locks used to emphasis how he enunciated.)

Hi Rona,

It’s #####.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo listen, I haven’t heard a siiiiingle word from you at aalllll since that e-mail Monday where YOU asked to reeeeschedule OUR date. Now that is despite MY couple of attempts to get in touch with you where I think I made it QUITE clear that I INDEED want to see you again and asked for an update on when you might be available. I think that deserves a response of some sort.

Now, I can imagine a lot of possible reasons for your total lack of communication. Unfortunately, the vast majority come down to you being, lets say, (sigh) a JERK to me, in one way or another. BUT I though I should try be fair and give you one last opportunity to set the record straight before I jump to the obvious conclusions. So if you have AAAAAANNNYYYY desire to EVER speak to me again on friendly terms, I HIIIIIIIGHLY SUGGEST you give me a call or send me an e-mail IMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEDIATELY!

And just to be clear, because I know you have certain issues with the concept of time IMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEDIATELY! does not mean next year. It does not mean next month or next week or tomorrow. It means TOOOOOODAAAAAAAYYYYYY! Sunday the 29^th of December TWO THOUSAND and THIRTEEN, in the common era. I don’t think I can be MUCH MORE clear than that.  The rest is up to YOU!

BYE!

Clearly, he's a winner. I should call him, IMMEDIATELY!!! 

Famous Last Words

This is just one of many, actual responses, to my online dating profile. 

Beware of anything with "I think you are so beautiful" in the title. Those are famous last words that lead to this: 

I know you are probably not interested and well its not all i am looking for but would you be interested in an intimate encounter? I just think you are so Beautiful and i just don't want to rush right into a relationship. I recently got out of a 5 year relationship where i was cheated on. Like i said i think you are so pretty and i would hope if we click more could come of it!

How can I resist this kinda charm? Becoming your sexual play thing because you are hurting? Sure! After all, you told me I'm "so Beautiful". 

Is this what peer pressure is like?

Almost the Man of My Parents' Dreams

Imagine for a moment that you had a child; a daughter. What kind of man would you want for her? Now compound that with being concerned Jewish parents.  Imagine you are those parents. Do you have that weird fantasy going in your head? Good. Are you in their shoes? Good.

So when I tell you I met the man almost of my concerned Jewish parents’ dreams, you’d probably be interested in knowing who that was. Let me describe the seemingly almost perfect man. 

He was about 5’10, four years older than me, light colored hair that was neatly groomed. A nice beard hugged his boyish face. He dressed plainly and never wore jeans (always khakis). He was soft spoken and always smiled. Nothing about him was threatening in any way, whatsoever. He was in good shape. No kids.  Oh, and did I mention he was studying to be a doctor? Yup. Cardiopulmonary something or other. Besides not being Jewish, he was someone right out of my parents' aspirations for me.

The nickname I used when talking about him was “The Doctor”. The Doctor would text me throughout the day asking me how I was doing or telling me how attractive I was. He would often write the cheesiest lyrics for me.  He’d update me on how his day in surgery went. Asked me if I’d have dinner with him almost every night. Perfect, right?

We had been seeing each other on a regular basis for a month when the topic of where the relationship was going, came up. (No, I wasn’t the one that brought it up.)  I assumed he was alluding to the seriousness of our budding courtship so I voiced my legitimate concern. He was starting his rotations in a few months. They would take him out of town and even out of state for about a year and although I really liked him, I didn’t want to jump right into a serious relationship with someone who wouldn’t be around.

I THOUGHT that was what he was alluding to. (SIGH) What he wanted to know was when we would sleep together. (SILLY ME).  He said he really liked me, wanted to get to know me but needed sex. NEEDED.

While chewing, I thought the matter over. I had no intent of sleeping with anyone. So my suggestion was, that we continue seeing one another. Since I could not provide him with what he wanted, he was free to sleep with as many people as he wanted. The trade off was that I got to date as many people as I wanted. He gleefully agreed.

(Before I go on, I know what you are thinking. How could I even consider it? Well the answer is: I was not and am not jealous. It was not a serious relationship, nor could it be, given the many circumstance. I was fine with getting to know him and with him being honest and upfront with me. It was not an issue as I was not looking for a sexual relationship. Besides, if someone wants to be with me they want to be with me. Otherwise I don’t chase men or make them monogamous and faithful.)

At first things were fine. We would spend time together. Go to dinner and shows and places, etc. I even met his parents (who loved me, by the way).  As time progressed, we would meet up and the first 5-10 minutes he would tell me about the girls he had just “Banged”. This went on for a week or so, with me really not caring.  Other than that, he was his normal sweet self. Still texted throughout the day to tell me he was thinking about me. Still though I was attractive. Blah blah blah.  

(Now remember who is writing this story. Things don’t go well for me, as a rule. )

Then I get the following text:

“Has this been some sort of weird joke where you hang out with me but let other dudes up in your guts?”

I was disgusted with him. We had been going out for almost 3 months at this point. For him to think that about me felt like a slap in the face in more ways than one. I told him that clearly this is not going to work especially since all I was to him was a pile of guts. 

I stopped seeing him, talking to him and texting him. 

Over the next several months he would randomly text me. He’d tell me how he messed up and hoped that I would respond to texts. He would send me texts about how much is parents missed me and hoped we would work things out. He even changed his number in hopes that I would answer him. I ignored him completely.

Then the texts stopped. I thought that I was finally rid of him.

Just the other day (as in a few days ago), guess who texts me? The Doctor.  He starts out wanting to meet to apologize for his rude behavior.

 “I’m sorry for how things happened. Would you be up for coffee or a drink?”

As I do not believe in ignoring someone who is trying to make amends and admitting to a mistake, I give in.  I text back a hello and he continues:

 “I was in love with someone else. I should have never gotten involved with you. I hurt a lot of people. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I broke a lot of hearts.”

Since I was never in love with him, nor did I ever had strong feelings, I had to interject:

 “You didn’t break my heart but you were a jerk.”

He immediately writes:

 “I am a man. We lie to get what we want. “

He then follows that up with:

 “A jerk? Am I not remembering things correctly? I am not one for remembering details. You were looking for commitment. I was having fun with numerous women. Hurting the one [girl] I loved while doing so. I had a lot of people mad at me when I left Rochester.”

I rolled my eyes and texted:

 “Well I was upset about you pressuring me constantly to sleep with you, not about you sleeping with many women.”

(GET READY FOR THE GOOD STUFF)

His honest to goodness, verbatim message to me:

“I didn’t understand why you wouldn’t. Disappointing. I felt I deserved to be able to have sex with you.”

That’s right! He DESERVED to have sex with me.

I retorted with:

 “How’s that entitlement working out for you?”

He didn’t text for a while. I had hoped that he wouldn’t.

An hour later he picked it up again. Telling me about the many women he was with and about the woman that he was in love with who is now his. "MY LADY” as he calls her. He goes on to text a bunch of random none sense about how in love he is and how great it is to finally be honest with his feelings. Then he writes:

 “Maybe we should go back to the Woodcliff :)”

I am confused. What does the Woodcliff have to do with it? (The Woodcliff is a really pricey and beautiful hotel in Rochester. I’ll add the link to the bottom of the page for anyone interested.) I ask him what in the world he’s talking about and mention that he had always told me he was low on cash.

He quizzically replies:

“Didn’t I take you there? I swore it was you. “

I had had enough of this womanizing ego-maniac. I decide to put an end to it:

“Frankly your self entitled attitude is very off putting. I’m kind of limiting my exposure to jerks.“

He attempts to engage me in more conversations but I ignore him. Lets hope that’s the last I hear from this Mr. Wonderful.

http://www.woodcliffhotelspa.com

In the Spirit of Friendship.

I feel that you and I should be honest with each other. Otherwise, this new relationship will never work. You deserve my honesty and I should deliver it without a second thought. 

In the spirit of honesty, I would like to let you know that I have been online dating from time to time. You may find it ICKY but lets face it, I hardly have a choice. 

I don't like meeting people or dating people I work with (when I am employed) because whether or not it works out, I still have to see this person for 8+ hours a day for 5 days. The possibility of the relationship turning sour and making for a hostile work environment, is not unheard of. Plus, for a healthy relationship to blossom and thrive, you need distance. Dating a co-worker is normally not an option for me. Besides, my last 3 jobs didn't exactly have a single male population. Although, I am pretty positive one of the older crazy christian ladies, had a thing for me. 

I don't pick up men at bars. Firstly, I don't frequent bars all that often. Secondly, I don't know what the state of this person is. Without having any previous knowledge of a person, you cannot tell if they are drunk or, you know, an ax murdered. (Someone's been watching too many forensic/crime shows over the last 12 years.) And lastly, I have never had anyone approach me at a bar to "pick me up". I usually frequent watering holes with my friends. Many of my friends are of the male persuasion. You understand the rest. 

I don't date friends, especially close friends. I value friendship above all else and the thought of a romantic relationship ending a close friendship is terrifying to me. In fact, I tend to stay away even from dating close friends of friends. 

What can I say, I'm complicated. 

And no, don't be worried. I can assure you that when I do meet a stranger for a date, it is always in a public place, with many people around. The first few dates are in very public places. When we both leave, I make sure I am the last one to go as I don't want to risk the chance of them following me. I also make unnecessary stops along the way, like to a store or maybe a coffee shop. I'll take the long and windy way home. Remember, I am obsessed with documentaries about crimes and forensics. Its made me cautious and paranoid and possibly really good at disposing of bodies. (Noooo, I'm not going to be the next Aileen Wuornos, don't worry.)

So there you have it. You and I are now, one step closer to being good and honest friends. 

Be Wary of Compliments from Strangers

Dating can be an intimidating and nerve wracking thing, so when a friend of mine said she was setting me up on a blind date, I was somewhat excited. If nothing else it was a chance to meet someone new and outside my network. Besides, how bad could it be? We were two adults, if it didn't work out, there would be no reason why we couldn't enjoy each others company for the evening.

After reviewing a photo of an attractive man I agreed to the experiment and grew excited about the prospect of meeting him. He was an objectively handsome guy with a Masters degree and a successful career.

We met at a bar and grill. He seemed nice enough. We started out with small talk and the customary niceties.

Not a half hour into the date, he leaned close to me and said, "You have very nice lips."

Huh. That seemed like a nice compliment. I might have blushed slightly as my brain processed the information. Before I could even form the words to thank him,  he continued to speak.

"I bet they would look great around my c*@#k!"




I suppose it wasn't a total loss. At least I got a story out of it.

No Luck is Good Luck

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all.” – Lyrics by William Bell

When it comes to my dating life, that’s the absolute truth. 

Sure, everyone’s had his or her own ups and downs in the dating world. Finding that special someone is no easy task as you’re drudging through countless hordes of undesirables or simply people that are not meant for you.

I’ve shared my stories with friends over the years, mainly out of frustration and for moral support and encouragement. I never thought my anecdotes were particularly funny or outlandish. I just assumed everyone had similar experiences. Apparently I was wrong. Countless friends have told me that I should write a book. So, I suppose this is the next best thing.

My intent is not to shame anyone directly. I am not using names and will make some effort to hide the identity of the person involved. What the reader should be aware of is that all these stories are the absolute truths as I remember them. Obviously there are two sides to every story. I will try to recount the anecdotes to the best of my ability and as objectively as I can. I do not claim to be free of fault as I am not a perfect human being and I have no problems accepting my roles in these fiascos.

My hopes are that this project can act as a kind of tribute. This is a tribute to my friends, who have had to endure my endless ramblings about my dating misadventures and offered their ear, sympathy and support. This is a tribute to folks that may stumble across these words and either get a kick out of them or feel a sense of relief that they are not the only ones with nightmare dates. And lastly, it’s a tribute to myself for having endured a lot of bad behavior from adults who should know better.

Please be advised that these stories are not always funny. I dare say, at times, they get pretty darn scary. Some may contain graphic language or unsavory subject matter. Some stories may be rather lengthy while others will be just a few sentences long. 

Lastly, feel free to share this with anyone you’d like.  The more the merrier.

Enjoy!

~JP~